


seeing clear would be a bad idea

by aircherub



Series: Chalex Week (2020) [2]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: ChalexWeek2020, M/M, he deserves the world, this also isnt edited i barely proofread oops, this is kinda sad i made zach a sad boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:13:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25570393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aircherub/pseuds/aircherub
Summary: Chalex Week, Day 2: A look into Zach's relationships and how they seem to always fall apart.
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Series: Chalex Week (2020) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1851778
Comments: 10
Kudos: 42
Collections: Chalex Week 2020





	seeing clear would be a bad idea

**Author's Note:**

> day 2!! thank you all for the kind words on my first work, i appreciate it a lot! this is more a study of zach's character and the way he views and interacts in relationships but chalex is heavily mentioned and explored from Zach's eyes. hope this is alright and that you enjoy!

Zach had a very one track mind. It had always been that way. When he likes something, he invests practically all of his time and effort into it. This came in handy when it concerned things like football, baseball and basketball. He could train for hours, spend night after night pouring over different plays and techniques to get the upper hand when on the field. It was a blessing and a curse. He was a passionate person and he was praised for being one, so why would he stop? 

More often than not, it’ll leave him feeling burnt out both physically and emotionally but he didn’t know any better. He cared about sports and it was easy to get it out of his system. Physical activity was his favoured form of stress relief but it didn’t help so much when he found himself trying and failing to form meaningful relationships with the people around him. He cared a lot more than he could bring himself to admit. He didn’t know how to stop caring so much but he didn’t know how to even openly _show_ that he cared so it seemed like a never ending cycle. Caught between caring too much but not enough to be able to keep someone in his life for long enough and if he thinks about it too much he makes himself feel sick so it’s better to just, let it go. He was good at that.

He had a relationship, using that word very loosely, with Hannah. Zach had really liked her, could’ve even probably grown to love her but his fear of judgement and losing the reputation he had was greater than his emotions. He spent the majority of the summer with Hannah, she took his mind off of his dad and the fact that barely any of his friends seemed to care about how he was doing. Hannah had cared, she showed that she cared, and it felt good. 

With Hannah came baggage that he hadn’t wanted to deal with. At the time it made sense to end whatever was going on between the two, summer was coming to an end and the bubble they had created around themselves had to burst at some point. Zach thought he might as well keep it a secret, his feelings would heal from their summer romance but if he kept it going he knew his reputation never would.

Chloe was more complicated. Bryce asked Zach to give him her number, so he did. Then the two dated and Zach didn’t feel anything about it. He didn’t like Chloe in that way at the time, he didn’t really know her that well as a friend until after a few months of Chloe and Bryce's relationship. Chloe was attractive, kind and smart in ways Bryce didn’t deserve but Zach wasn’t going to challenge it. When Bryce and Chloe broke up Zach became the shoulder to cry on, the emotional support to help her through her abortion and reassure her of how amazing and strong she was. It was almost as though the roles were reversed, Hannah had helped him and now he’s helping Chloe and maybe the familiarity in that was what caused him to start to fall for her. Zach kissed her to prove a point to himself, to prove many points to himself. Once it was over, he could move on. She had a boyfriend and he respected that. He moved on just like he did with Hannah and he never thought about Chloe in that way again.

Alex was different, though. He was an exception to almost every damn rule.

Alex had been a constant in Zach’s life for a while. Their relationship had started off very tenuous, a relationship of complicated and messy circumstances that worsened as time went on. Then it was a relationship based on guilt. Guilt of not having done enough, guilt of not noticing what was very clearly happening in front of him because he was too selfish to really understand a cry for help. Helping Alex through his recovery was a choice fuelled by guilt but that quickly shifted. He felt a sense of pride every time Alex was getting better, every minute he was on the bike longer than the last session sent a jolt of genuine, warm happiness through Zach’s body. He enjoyed seeing Alex get stronger and he enjoyed getting closer with the brunette, understanding the way Alex works and how he acts around his friends.

On the surface it seemed like Alex didn’t care about what anyone thought of him, like no one was worth his time. He was deflective and sarcastic, somehow taking absolutely nothing and everything seriously at the same time which was jarring and off-putting for people who didn’t know him. Through their time shared during physical therapy, Zach came to have a fond appreciation for Alex’s personality. He was cutting, unafraid to speak his mind even if it ends in an altercation that the smaller boy wasn’t equipped to handle. Alex was, in many ways, Zach’s complete opposite. It was refreshing, exciting. 

When Alex kissed Zach it made him lose track, made him spiral into thoughts and feelings that he wasn’t prepared to deal with. The kiss had been fairly innocent, a lingering press of their lips together that acted to sober Zach up from the alcohol he had consumed but leave him feeling dizzy from the rush of his first kiss with a boy, his first kiss with Alex. Alex was looking for something that Zach couldn’t give him, wasn’t sure if he could ever provide Alex with what he needed and that scared him.

So Zach pushed him away, a stutter of how he’s _not into guys_ but no matter what he still cares about him and they got through it. They were still friends even though Zach was going through an identity crisis that was numbed with drugs and alcohol and parties but they were still friends and that was enough. It had to be enough.

When Alex confided in Zach about his involvement with Winston he had felt the ugly thrum of jealousy before it turned into sympathy and anger for how his friend was treated. The circumstances were messy like always and he knew that Alex was cursing himself for being so trusting even though it wasn’t his fault. Zach had tried to cheer him up, took a page out of his close friend's book and replied with a cynical, borderline nihilistic, approach to the world and that was that. 

After that, came Charlie.

Charlie and Alex were good for each other. Anyone who had spent time with them, both on their own and together, could see that they brought out the best in one another. Where one lacked something the other was quick to make up for it. It was a constant give and take, push and pull, _yin and yang_. They were equals, grounding each other and supplying support and stability that they didn’t get from anywhere else. 

Zach had spent enough time around Charlie and Alex to see how their relationship grew. He witnessed the hesitant touches between them, how Alex had rejected them at first but then grew to accept and reciprocate them. He saw how Charlie wasn’t scared to show Alex affection in public, how it seemed to come easily to him as though it was second nature. His hand always found its way to Alex and he was unapologetic about it. Charlie’s confidence seeped into every one of his movements and that had bled over to Alex’s own actions. The usually guarded boy had let his walls down and although Zach knew that terrified him, Charlie had given Alex the confidence to begin to break out of his self-deprecating and cynical shell.

Zach could never give Alex that amount of stability, that amount of pure reassurance, that Charlie provides. He hadn’t even been able to admit to other people that he was friends with Alex, hiding him away like a dirty secret because it was easier than being honest and explaining the truth. He would never be able to take his hand while walking through the hallways, or cuddle up together on a couch at Monet’s while Alex drank a weird, and frankly disgusting, beverage and Zach ate several pastries in one sitting. It would never happen.

Zach had a one track mind and he knew he would get over this and move onto the next thing soon enough. So he pushed away his feelings, locking them away deep down alongside the grief and sadness he never dared touch but was always there, lingering. He bit his tongue when he saw how easily Alex looked at Charlie so _open_ and _loving_ and he couldn’t help wonder if Alex used to look at him like that but he quickly silenced those thoughts. He would get over it.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos appreciated as always


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